CANOVIROSIS.

About a dozen years ago a Czech dog lovers’ magazine first published some information on a mysterious disease which attacks people who have dogs.  The Polish translation of the article in question, done by Ms. Elżbieta Chwalibóg, was printed in the magazine "Pies" (“Dog”). Since then, researchers worldwide have been trying to work out the etiology and symptoms of the disease. They have arrived at several conclusions. As the Canine Sciences Institute report, issued on the request by the University of Dog and Cat Loving in Warsaw states:
- the early course of the disease is without symptoms; the earliest oes usually going unnoticed or ignored, which makes the disease develop therefore often making it incurable.
- the virus reproduces for a period from a few days even to a few years and each case of the disease is different.
- three stages, or types, have been identified: acute, chronic, and severe (the most dangerous one). The acute stage starts with the so-called fascination and is triggered by a single impulse. It stops after a very aggressive course, usually lasting about a month (maximum two months). The chronic stage is the most benign one and it can sometimes be treatable. The severe type is the most virulent and since its beginning the symptoms may be fairly unpredictable...

How to diagnose a forthcoming infection?
- You inquire about the location of your nearest dog club
- in the street, you stop on a dime when seeing a person walking with a specimen of your chosen breed
- you find yourself buying more books about dogs
- you have dug up all the information  the Internet has to offer about your favorite breed
- you find yourself going to a dog show and contacting breeders
- your desktop wallpaper is a picture of dog(s) of your favorite breed 
- you find yourself knowing the names of all the dogs and their owners in your neighborhood
- you look around your home looking for the best place to put your future pet’s bed
- for the first time in your life you actually find yourself saving money, to the extent that you did not go to the solarium last month
- you find yourself taking the decision... and making a reservation on a puppy
Women readers! What to do if you really want a dog and most unfortunately your SO is really stubborn?
It is common among men that they rarely agree with our ideas just because this allows them to exercise their authority in the house! Luckily, such attempts to prove how important they are do not last long. And besides, there are plenty of ways to tame, cajole, and talk them into believing that the intention of getting a dog was theirs after all.

Before purchasing a puppy you must act way before he or she arrives to your home:
- Do not buy the white leather sofa you have been dreaming and fighting about for the last two years. Meekly agree to the one he wants! 
- Do not stick at the white fluffy carpet idea. Pick the elegant terracota tiles you SO liked!
- Give up watching the 2,546 episode of your favorite show and watch a sports channel for a while, giving your SO two sleepless nights he spends thinking what on Earth is wrong with you. Consider turning (for a while) from the witch you are into a sweet, loving and considerate geisha making absolutely astonished when he hears you speak in a soft whisper!
- Finally, when you think he is confused enough, and has even taken to suspect you of cheating on him, you wait for a proper moment to throw a gigantic tantrum, one of those no man could take! Now he goes out to a bar and it is your turn to prepare a nice hot dinner and wait for him, wearing a sweet smile and lace lingerie, for him to return home full of remorse and with a bad hangover.

At the doorstep, instead of giving him the usual welcome:
- take his breath away with your pimped looks and smother him with hugs, telling how lucky you are to have picked him, the cutest and smartest shnookums which he is, from all your numerous worshippers whom he, of course, should remember! (Note: try not to cringe at his breath now!) 
- before he manages to utter a word, continue that you do forgive him for how he’s been neglecting you – anyway, he is the one who needs to bring the bread and butter!
- have him lie comfortably on the coach, help him take his shoes off (grit your teeth and bear the smell!) and put a cold compress on his morning-after head
- if he has not managed to say a word yet, bring him an aspirin and a glass of cool water; stand beside him and hanker dramatically!
 - now that he is entirely confused and suspicious of everything around him, give him a short, relaxing massage and having him settled down a bit and purring with relief, inform him that you have not invited Mom on Christmas this year - just for him – and, never pausing for a second, not even to breathe, say that you hope that this lucky occasion will make him do one little thing for you, just once in a lifetime, and once he gets sober after that disgusting crapulence, which of course you will forgive him, as you always do, since you are the only one who understands him, and therefore he is so lucky to have you and not that stupid redhead from your school, and so, you believe that he will find the time to go with you to visit some friends to have a look on a certain little miracle that will make your lonely days when he is away less lonely, since you know he is not happy when you go out with your friends...

Rule: the later your SO comes home and the worse his hangover, the easier this all gets! Research has shown that the more mistreated the man usually is, the greater his astonishment and confusion will be. The average time it takes him to agree is 5 minutes... Sometimes, though, we may be unfortunate enough to be dealing with an exceptionally smart guy at home, who will see through our masterplan. Then, our only hope is to assume that he is as wise as he is intelligent and will figure out himself which will pay off more – to start a war with you, or just play along?
Men readers!
What to do if your woman refuses to have a dog in the house point-blank? 
Start with setting the stage slowly. You do not want her shocked. You may, of course, just show up carrying a puppy under your arm, but this will not guarantee you place to sleep the night and might just send you and the puppy sleep outside!
- before you even mention a dog, make sure you follow every dog of your chosen breed with sad and wistful eyes.
 - watch Animal Planet all the time; sigh loudly every time they show The Dog you want.
- invite guests who own the same kind of animal (this is where your inspiration came anyway) and after they leave clean the whole place meticulously and without complaining (so that she can see how splendid you are at this).

- Wives generally know what you want soon enough; it is just that some will play the waiting game to see exactly how desperate you are!

And have my word on that, they enjoy every minute of it!

After a slight mention of the possibility of buying a dog, regardless of how she first reacts, always execute the following steps:
- for about a week (no longer, unless she gets used) be the perfect man! Come back home straight after work (alcohol consumption is strictly prohibited!), forget reading the paper and your afternoon nap, fishing or preoccupying yourself with DIY for hours. You are watching the 2,567 episode of her favorite show, together.
- you do the cooking (she doesn't need to know you actually enjoy it) and treat her to a fancy dinner you prepared (and do not forget the night after – don’t you feel like it yourself?)
- when she says „No damn dogs in my house”, „Over my dead body”, „Have you lost your mind?" etc., reply cheerfully „Yes, honey” – she will notice these words subconsciuosly, but she cannot be reached with any arguments.
- Remember the forgotten gestures and words (you know well which ones!).

- In passing, tell her how she still is one hot babe after these 10 years (100% proof, but do not push it, women are not that stupid!).
- if she is still hesitating, go to bed and pretend you are gravely ill (shouldn't be too difficult, most men are skilled at making a common cold look like a deadly disease) and inform her with a grave expression that she must lack a heart to refuse a dying man a dog (I assume any normal woman will lose it and burst out with laughter at this point, but she also will start getting used to the thought about a dog in the house).
- declare you will be the one to bear all the consequences of owning a dog (since she is aware how inconsequent you are, she know that she will be the main caregiver anyway, but why not?).

At this point, 80% of women will arrive at a conclusion that since you want the dog so badly then why should she deny it to you?
Should, however, you „better half” belong to the remaining 20%, it seems that you have a real problem... I assume though, that your desire to have a dog is so strong that you will take the challenge (sometimes for the first time in your life)!
- start analysing her bank account statements and ask her repeatedly what she spends money on (this guarantees a huge row, but this is something you are already well used to). 
- go out with your buddies each night and make sure you do not return sober (another row – but you like it, don’t you?).
- do not forget to make an occasional remark on her weight (silent days and convenience foor dinners will follow – you are used to them anyway, though!).
- forget to shower, brush your teeth, and change your T-shirt and socks more and more often (she will grumble, of course!).
- trigger off a quarrel (it is enough if you say that you still regret you did not marry that hottie Dorothy and openly move to the couch (she will try to get back at you, but don’t you enjoy your peace at night now?).
When the atmosphere gets unbearable enough, it is time you produce your ultimate weapon!
- say casually that you have a new charming neighbor who has a dog of the breed which your woman knows you like
- wait a couple of days and state casually again what a nice figure the said neighbor has and how this must be because she goes running every day with her doggy on her side.
- sigh dreamily and say that she must indeed have a heart of gold since she loves animals so much.

When your wife reaches the stage of dying her hair the same color your neighbor has, adapts her fashion style and starts going to the pool for the first time in 20 years, you can be sure of your plan's success!
Side effects of this therapy cannot, however, be predicted. It may happen, that your wife will graciously agree on the dog (despite her enduring hatred for animals), and once the puppy arrives you will both be subjected to a hell of restrictions, rules, limitations and complaints. In such a case, you will have two options:
- move with your dog to your summer house or penthouse and wait until she calms down (seems unlikely, you know what a nasty hag she can be!)
- leave the hag alone in her cold, pristine museum-home and move to the neighbor where, with the dogs at your feet and the cat purring in your lap can sit together near the fireplace wondering why on Earth it took you so long to regain your sense, man?!
Despite all the above I assume that both you and your spouse or partner and the rest of your family, are equally delighted with the amazing wonder which is the dog, and that your passion will not die out just after it began, and will flourish freely so the virus may spread and mutate as it wills! :)
The types of the disease 

The acute type
It appears unexpectedly, usually without a warning: you buy a dog during a dog show, in a pet store or from a drunk in the street! Unfortunately, the illness is short-lived and usually leaves no trace, since:
- you like to have frequent lie-ins, and dogs tend to wake you early, whimpering and begging for a walk
- during grooming of long-haired dogs damages your faux nails
- you cannot get used to the smell of dog poop and you clean it clutching a perfumed hankerchief 
- after the dog tore your 20th pair of pantyhose you had enough
- a hair in the soup made you vomit
- your dog's constant staring at you in your bedroom caused your SO to fail as a man which finally caused you to start looking someone to take this lovely creature (this disgusting, stinking monster!) from you.
You get rid of the dog without remorse, but with a strong resolution of no more dogs!
The chronic type
This type develops slowly and is characterized by good-hearted tolerance and motherly care. You love your dog and care for him or her as another member of your family. This stage is usually the least painful and the least likely to cause any attacks of frenzy, although it often is incurable. 
- Your colleagues at work know all of your dog stories
- You and your colleagues spent your last week thinking about what names to give to your new puppies
- Your mobile phone plays the sound of your dog barking as welcome 
- You know all the dog owners in your neighborhood
- You know which restaurants in your area allow dogs and you dine there, never mind the food is horrible and prices high
- you know the first names of all the dog-friendly cabbies in the area 
- your wallet contains the photos of your children and your dog (and not necessarily – your husband)
- you have talked your husband into buying a new car – one that can take more dogs inside
- you know your vet better than you know your GP
- you felt too lazy to take a foreign language course, but signed up first for a dog training one – even though it was on Sunday and the price was twice as high!
- Your dreams: 10 champion dogs and a sack od medals.
- you moved from the city to a backwater place where you have a house with a garden, so that your doggies can have more space
- you have no time to read a book or watch TV, but you always fond some to talk to freaks like yourself
- at the wake of dawn after a boring party you suddenly liven up when you hear a conversation about dogs
- two activities that can never make your legs hurt: shopping and attending dog shows
- one of the criteria for your new boyfriends to meet: do your dogs like him?
–	the most thoughtful Christmas present you give is the one for your dog
–	you did not notice that your guy is balding. What is more important is that your dog's coat is getting more beautiful
–	you started picking your new clothes so that they match your dog
–	you pick your holiday destination according to your dog's preferences
–	 the only fixed dates in your calendar are the dates of dog shows!

The severe (incurable) type

The specialists at the Canine Sciences Institute encountered numerous problems attempting the diagnosis of the different cases of the studied disease, but the most wide-spread symptoms and later complications usually include the following:
–	in case of financial problems, when the sufferer has to choose between seeing their dentist due to an aching tooth and their dog's vet due to a similar problem – they take a painkiller and book a visit at the vet's.
–	The suffers do not remember when they last bought something for themselveas, their husbands or children, but their dog surely has three beds, five collars, four leashes a dozen toys, doggy clothes and some shampoos which cost more than the ones you use
–	there are more hair conditioners on your bathroom shelf for the dog than for people, and all of those have been tested on people anyway
–	there are as many dog bowls in the kitchen as ones for the humans!
–	You need to test each new brand of dry chow on yourself – what if the damn thing turns out poisonous?
–	You spend more time playing with your dogs than with your children
–	the first word uttered by your child was the name of your dog
–	your child would only move around on all fours before she or he was three and it is only since recently that they stopped growling at your guests!
–	When quarreling, you happened to tell your husband that you hated them, but you have never said it to your dog!
–	Quick remembering your children's birth dates may be a problem but the pedigree lines of all your dogs are not, even if you were to recite them woken in the middle of the night
–	You have lost all your friends, except avid dog lovers, when our dog learnt to wipe his muzzle against their clothes and pee on their bags
–	you do not wash plates and bowls – why bother if your dog can do it equally well?
–	The last time you called your husband „honey” was just after you two got married – but you call your dog like that each day
–	You bought the cake for your husband's birthday party from the local grocery, but the one for your dog's party! That one you baked yourself!
–	Yeach dog show taking place within the radius of 200 km is just a weekend trip for you
–	your stommack revolts when you pick up your husband's two-days socks but you are okay with cleaning after your dog
–	you cannot recall when you last succumbed to your husband's pleas and scratched his back but you do scratch your dogs' back every day without asking
–	you picked up your childrens names already in the hospital, but the ones for your puppies – six months before they were ecen born
–	you cried all day when your mother-in-law died, but after your beloved dog did – you still do, even though it has been two years!
–	You forgot the anniversay of your marriage – a couple of times – but your dog's birthday – never!
–	You sometimes confuse your husband's and dogs' names
–	you shop for your family in the local supermarket – but the meat, eggs and cottage cheese for your doggy comes from a friendly farmer (they must be fresh!)
–	you gave your husband a silent treatment (for a month) last time that wimp could not drive you to the Dog Show on time and you were late for evaluation
–	you gave your best friend a six-months silent treatment after she said he was disgusting and had smelly breath
–	you made a horrible row after your husband broke a plate while washing dishes but you could forgive your dog everything – even shewing down your favorite shoes you bought in Paris!
–	You bought your husband a cheap tie for his birthday and your dog – an expensive fluffy matress
–	„My dearest thing in the world!” is how your husband hears you refer to the dog every day.
–	Your biggest life mistake: marrying a guy who hates dogs!
–	When you were divorcing, you did not care about the division of your porperty, but of your dogs!
–	When looking in the mirror you notice with satisfaction that you two (ie. you and your dog) are a lovely couple, since it is just the other way round with you and your husband
–	recently, you gave up on quarreling with your husband – in order not to stress out the dog!
–	You made your husband leave the house after he hollered during the game so loudly that he woke the dog
–	you have noticed that you communicate better with the dog than with your husband – the dog does not interrupt, and does not tell you are an idiot and should seek help
–	you bought the biggest bed there was in the store so that you and your four dogs can sleep in it together
–	your husband's snoring drives you bonkers. Your dog's snoring is cute.
–	Ypur worst nightmare was not when your husband left you for another woman, but when he did not watch over your champion bitch and let her have „an affair” with your neighbor's' mutt
–	if your husband told you it's him or the dog... he better not: what does he expect you to say?!
–	You told him recently that his breath smells, but you do not mind that in your dog, even after she or he just ate a dead mole during a walk!
–	 You recently heated up a can of dog food and served it to your husband by mistake and he didn't notice!

The final stage (pessimistic version)

When your children grow up and start their own lives, your spouse moves to a new younger mate and your friends leave you – sit on a warm summer evening on the doorstep, hug your dogs and think how lucky you were since you have always had someone who loved you – unconditionally, sincerely, truly, selflessly and faithfully. LOVED you!!!

The final stage (optimistic version)

If both of you you love your dogs from the start, I do not have to tell you anything special, since you already know it all. However, with a reluctant husband or a tardy wife, after a time it is also possible that they too will get infected with the virus after an initial period of resistance to their new duties. This will end in one, predictable way:
–	you will sleep together, with your dog
–	you will move to a new, picturesque village, since it was difficult for the poor creature to live in an apartment
–	with your children in college, abroad or independent, your dog will substitute for the grandchildren you are both looking forward to
–	your meals will be prepared also according to your dog's needs
–	your dog will receive Christmas gifts and share your table 
–	you will spend your holidays only where you can take your dog along
–	you will call your dog „our son” or „our grandson”
–	you will talk to your dog every day, and more than that – you will start thining that the dog understands all that you say
–	the dog will be on all of your family pictures beside you
–	the thoughts of the moment when you will unavoidably have too part with your dog will become more and more frightening...